TfL Elite Commuter™ Rules • Peter Ellis Jones

Become a TfL Elite Commuter™ by following these rules when using the London Underground:

⁠If you’re carrying a wheeled suitcase up some stairs, just leave the damned handle sticking out. Don’t fold the handle in and then fumble for a full minute at the top of the stairs trying to get it back out while everyone blocked behind you curses your existence. If you can reach the top and put your suitcase back into “being pulled along” mode without breaking step, then you give yourself a TfL Elite Commuter™ Gold Star™ (although a real Elite Commuter™ would know a backpack is a far superior luggage type, provided you take it off while on the tube)
⁠Similarly, and even more importantly, do not stop at the top of escalators. Your only two jobs when standing on an escalator are 1) making sure there is space on your left for walkers and 2) working out which way you need to go when you reach the top.
⁠When coming to an escalator from the bottom that you are planning on standing on, stay right as you approach. Do not clog the left side like a poo that won’t flush — be a poo that flushes easily and allow walkers space to get on the escalator.
⁠The minimum distance to have your oyster card or contactless payment card/phone ready is five steps from the barriers. If you are closer than this and not ready, practice at home until you ready to use the underground properly — you can use a doorway and an impatient housemate for this purpose. If you can pass the barriers without breaking step then give yourself another TfL Elite Commuter Gold Star™.
⁠Tap on the barrier as soon as the light is orange. By all means wait for the person in front to clear the barrier, just in case they are an idiot that likes to stop. But once they are out of the way tap even if the orange light is showing (They should really replace these red/orange/green lights with clearer ready, wait, and don’t use messages)
⁠If you are walking on a travelator, and you haven’t recently won any speed-walking competitions, you must allow space for faster walkers to pass on your left. If your speed-walking victory was only at a regional and not national level, stay right just in case.
⁠If you see a single person approaching a stairs with a pushchair, offer to give them a hand. Before you pick up the front of the chair make sure they are ready for you to do so (this is not a speed deadlift competition) and make sure you ascend/descend the stairs at the same speed they are going.
⁠If you are on a busy carriage walk down the carriage or tuck yourself into corners as space becomes available to allow others to more easily enter and exit the carriage.
⁠If you happen to be blocking a door that is about to open and not getting off at this stop then preemptively move out of the way before the train stops, if there is space to do so. If it’s so busy that you must block the door then when it stops get off the train to allow others to get off. The people currently on the platform waiting to get on will notice this and let you back on first.
⁠”Stand on the right” applies to all escalators in the Greater London Area, no exceptions and in particular no exceptions for Westfield Stratford City shopping centre.
⁠Don’t sit right next to me if there are other seats available. When choosing a free seat, use the same logic you would use when choosing a free urinal or toilet stall.